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  Chapter 5: Taylor

  “I’m not sure that is a healthy way of dealing with this Taylor,” Mrs. Tupp said in her mouse-voice. She was a very small woman with big round glasses and her brown hair cut in a neat bob. She always wore shirts printed with different kinds of fruit.

  “Is there a healthy way to deal with my grandfather trying to force me to have children?” I asked, sounding sarcastic. I spent most of our sessions together pacing around the room, not one to lie on the couch. I needed to move. Right then, I was standing on the other side of the room from her desk admiring the 1000-piece milk puzzle Mrs. Tupp and her husband completed together the other week. I was glad to see it hanging on her wall after how long she had talked about it.

  “I know that your grandfather's pressures have been uncomfortable. But I think you should have tried to speak to him at least once more before paying someone to marry you.”

  “I didn’t because he never would have changed his mind, it’s how he is.” I explained while pacing to the bookshelf on the opposite wall.

  “Have you spoken to him about your trauma?” She asked bluntly. It was not a therapist’s job to sugarcoat everything for you; I had learned that years ago.

  “No.” I went back to the milk puzzle. How on earth could someone figure out how so many blank pieces fit together?

  “Do you think it would help you?” She asked.

  “Can’t you tell me that?” I asked.

  “Sorry Taylor.” She said gently. “You know that’s not how this works.”

  “Fine.” I moved to the chair in front of her desk and finally sat down. “I don’t want to tell him.”

  “I understand that. I think it is perfectly fine, as long as your reason isn’t because you are ashamed of yourself. What happened wasn’t your fault.”

  I’d heard that phrase over and over. I vividly remember one therapy session where I spent the hour holding back tears as she gently repeated the phrase. The only place I could feel vulnerable was here. Anywhere else was too painful. “I know Elaine.”

  “Don’t I know Elaine me.” She smiled. “You’ve been working really hard. I want you to make sure you are continuing that work, to get better.”

  “I don’t know why my idea is so wrong then.” I explained. “Forcing myself into a relationship would have been unhealthy.”

  “I agree.” I waited for the “but”. “But,” there it was, “do you think this could be hurtful to this woman you’ve roped into this?”

  “Lydia.”

  “Do you think this is healthy for Lydia?”

  “She seems open to the idea. She even kissed me yesterday.”

  Mrs. Tupp sat up in her seat. “You didn’t mention that.”

  I stood up again and walked to the shaded windows behind the desk. I could hear the wheels in her chair creek as she turned to face me.

  “Are you alright? I know unexpected touches are bad for you.” She asked in her most neutral voice.

  “It wasn’t bad.” I said after a moment.

  “Was it good?”

  “It wasn’t bad,” I repeated, refusing to turn around to face her.

  “That is something,” she said slowly. “Did you have any panic attacks after?”

  “A small one, a few hours later. But my meds are working, I don’t have them as often.” I didn’t like worrying Mrs. Tupp. Even though it was her job.

  “Are you going to tell her, that Lydia?” She asked.

  “No.” I said sharply. “No.” I said again, softer. I took a few deep breaths and continued. “We already discussed sex; we’re not having it. And we’ll only have to kiss a few times in public. I can handle that. This time, I wasn’t prepared. And as I said, it wasn’t bad. I was just surprised.”

  “You should set boundaries with her.” Mrs. Tupp advised. “I’m not saying I approve of this suddenly. I still think you should try to work it out with your grandfather. But, if you are going to go through with this, I want you to set physical boundaries with her. For her sake and for yours. I want you to be in control of what happens to you. I want you to set boundaries that are respected. You deserve those things. I would say the same if this was a real relationship. Respect the boundaries she sets. If she doesn’t respect yours, you should end the relationship. Even if you say it’s just a business one. It isn’t worth your mental health.”

  “I deserve it?” I asked, voice raw, still unable to face her.

  “You do Taylor. You’ve always deserved respect.”

  ***

  I was exhausted after that therapy session. It had been a while since I had felt so emotional at one. I usually tried to keep my emotions in check, even if Mrs. Tupp told me it was healthy to feel them. A lot of people don’t do what’s good for them. Why did I have to?

  I had wanted to go to the gym after, but I was too tired. I knew I couldn’t. I would have to do it tomorrow. I had to look good for my wedding, after all. The wedding was exactly a week away. I hadn’t seen Lydia since the lunch and the kiss. I didn’t see it as a necessity. We shared everything we’d needed to know about each other. She also turned out to be better at faking than I had first thought. Her answers to my questions felt realistic and that kiss... Even though it was hard for me to go through with it, even in the moment I couldn’t deny that it was a smart move. I had found pictures of us together on twitter that night. I looked at tweet after tweet about it. I hadn’t realized my lack of a partner for so long was such a hot topic for some. It was working out in my favor; people were convincing each other. Thank god Lydia was late, she turned out to be the perfect woman to marry. At least for the year.

  I was planning on taking a nap, I found myself sleeping a lot when I wasn’t at work. But my phone began to ring. Not many people knew my personal number, and of those that did the only person I picked up for was my grandfather. I checked it, just in case it was him. But it turned out to be Lydia.

  “Hello,” I said.

  “Shut up!”

  “Excuse me?”

  “No, that wasn’t at you. No, I’m talking to him now.” Lydia seemed to be talking to someone else.

  “Can I help you?” I asked. I had a bad feeling about this already.

  “Taylor, I was wondering if you wanted to meet today to make sure we have everything set?” She asked.

  “I thought we discussed everything already, and if not, can’t we do it over the phone?”

  “We told each other facts, but we have to learn how to be comfortable around each other.” I froze. Did she know? “I didn’t even try to hold your hand while we were in that restaurant. We can talk the talk, but what will your grandfather think if we hesitate around each other?” I calmed myself down. There was no way she could know. “You may not think it’s necessary, but I want this to work.”

  “What do you have in mind?” I asked.

  “It doesn't have to be for long, I just—oh. Did you agree with me?”

  “I did.” She was right to think I would have needed more convincing. But after what Mrs. Tupp said, I had to talk with her before the wedding. And again, she proved how competent she was in thinking ahead. If I flinched away from her, my grandfather might be too suspicious to believe it. I had to get used to her being near me. Once the wedding was over, then I could go back to being alone, only seeing her in passing in my home. “Do you want to go out to another restaurant, to get more photos of us together online?”

  “Well we could do that later,” she said, “but I’d prefer if we practiced in the privacy of my apartment. I can take pictures of us there and put them on my Instagram.” It sounded reasonable, but the way her voice was pitched a bit higher, I thought there must be something else she was avoiding telling me. I did trust her, so I didn’t ask. If I didn’t need to know, I didn’t need to know. It was her personal life in this case, not a business meeting.

  “When do you want me to come over?” I asked looking at my watch, it was three in the afternoon.

  “How about around-” I thought I hear
d something crashing on her side of the line.

  “Is everything Okay?”

  “Yeah!” Her voice was incredibly high pitched, there had to be something up. “Come over around six! Gotta go, bye!” She hung up before I could get another word in. What had I just agreed to? She also sounded so casual with me. Strange. It was so much different from how she spoke at our first meeting, or even at the lunch. Maybe she was practicing?

  I spent longer than I would admit picking out the outfit I was going to wear. I very rarely wore casual clothes. Most of the time I was in professional clothes for work or in something to work out in. I didn’t go out with people if it didn’t have to do with Hirano Enterprises. All those events tended to be black tie or business casual at the worst. I did find a pair of jeans somewhere in the back of one of my dressers. It was slightly distressed and felt tight. It had to be another old piece. I slipped on an easy gray T-shirt made of something soft and was done. Hopefully that was good enough. I had plenty of time left before six, so I set an alarm and decided to sleep anyway.

  That turned out to be a mistake; I slept through my first alarm. In my rush to get ready, I realized I didn’t brush my hair. In the car on the way there, I kept my eyes on the road while one hand tried to smooth it out. I knew without looking that I looked like a mess. I didn’t like to be out when I looked like that, but it would probably be fine around Lydia. This was what getting comfortable was all about. She probably didn’t have off days like this though.

  I made my way to her apartment and knocked. Inside I could hear loud music leaking through the door. Someone I didn’t recognize opened the door. It was a tall blonde woman wearing several pink bead necklaces and a pink cowboy hat. I didn’t get the apartment wrong? I was just here the other day. The woman’s eyes went wide. “You’re the hot billionaire?”

  “I am?” I tried not to let my embarrassment show.

  “Lydia!” The woman turned and yelled. “He’s here!”

  Lydia arrived quickly. She was also wearing several cheap looking necklaces and a similar cowboy hat, her’s had a small veil on the front. “I’m so sorry,” She said as soon as she saw me.

  “What’s going on?”

  “My bachelorette party?” She played with the veil on her cowboy hat like that explained it. “Please come in.”

  Everything inside me was telling me to turn around and leave. Maybe even call the whole thing off. Despite all that, I walked inside. The music was turned down low and I noticed all the streamers scattered around her apartment.

  Lydia grabbed a broom and started to sweep some pretzels that were scattered on the counter into her hand and then into her trash can. “Sorry about, the, the all this.”

  “What’s your star sign?” The woman asked, from across the room. She had four wine flutes held in one of her fists and champagne in the other.

  “Capricorn,” I faintly recalled.

  She narrowed her eyes but then brightened. “That’s fine. I got that sense from you.”

  “That’s Virgo.” Lydia explained. “Her name. Her name is Virgo. She’s one of my maids of honor.”

  “One of them?” I asked spinning around, not seeing anyone else.

  “The other is outside smoking.” Virgo stuck out her tongue.

  “They’ll both be leaving soon.” Lydia explained. “They just wanted to meet you first. Outside is Michael, my business partner, and this is his girlfriend. I told you, they know.”

  I didn’t respond. My urge to leave was getting stronger by the moment. Meeting her friends felt like a bit much for the ruse.

  Lydia got closer to me and said softly, “Go outside and talk with Michael, he wants to speak to you. You don’t have to, but he told me he wanted to speak to you before I go through with all this.”

  That was a reasonable request from a business partner I thought. I nodded and headed out to the balcony. Leaning over the railing was a shorter man with his hair colored neon green, it looked recently dyed. He was balancing an ashtray on the railing and smoked, staring out. I wasn’t sure how to approach him and decided on standing next to him. He wordlessly offered me a cigarette, but I declined. I quit that habit years ago. He shrugged and tapped his out.

  “This was all Lydia’s choice you know?” He said finally. “I supported whatever she chose, gave her whatever advice I had. But it was all Lydia.”

  “She is a very capable woman.” I agreed. “She can make her own choices.”

  “I’m glad you agree,” Michael said, turning to face me. “I’m not very intimidating. And I don’t want to be. I don’t want to intimidate you.”

  So that was what this was. “You’re giving me a shovel talk? It’s not a real relationship, you have no reason to worry. It’s all business.”

  “Sure,” he said. Even though he was agreeing, something seemed off. Maybe it was how he still looked at me with distrust in his eyes. “Just if you do anything, know that I will respect her decision if she decides to break ties with you. And I will wholeheartedly respect her decision if she decides to go public with everything you’ve planned. She and Virgo are my family. You aren’t.” He put the ashtray on a little table on the balcony and headed inside without another word.

  I stayed out on the balcony for a while after. What Michael said twisted around in my gut like I was sick. I didn’t know why it was impacting me so much. What he said was reasonable, if I misused my agreement with Lydia of course I should expect retaliation. I still felt off as I heard the balcony door slide open again.

  “Okay, Virgo and Michael left.” Lydia joined me, missing the beads and the cowboy hat. “He didn’t like insult you or anything?”

  “No,” I said. “He just wanted to be clear on our terms.”

  “That’s good. He’s like my older brother. I was worried he would try to give you a shovel talk or something.” She laughed. “Although I get it. I wanted to meet Virgo as soon as he talked about her, to make sure she wasn’t, I don’t know, using him? It’s ridiculous to think about now.” She paused then quickly continued, “Although that’s nothing like our situation.”

  “Lydia.” I needed to get it out quickly.

  “Yes?”

  “Next time we kiss.” I thought I heard her breath hitch beside me. “Next time we kiss, and each time we have to, I want you to make sure I see you and then tap on my wrist twice.”

  “Why?” She asked even though I desperately hoped she wouldn’t.

  “I’m setting a boundary.” I said bluntly. I hoped that would keep me from needing to explain further. “Do you have anything you want me to know or do?”

  She looked at me and I knew there were questions running through her head. “No,” she said. “I think that’s fine. If you want to kiss me, you can do the wrist tap too, just so I can be prepared.”

  I cleared my throat. “Now how do you want to practice?”

  She looked at me and reached her hand out and gently tapped my wrist. I steeled myself, prepared. Instead, she reached up and started to fix my messy hair. Her eyebrows stitched with concentration as she neatened it up. Her eyes brightened as she moved her hand away, I guess it was to her liking. “I’ll tap your wrist once whenever I’m going to do something intimate. If you ever don’t want me to, tap my wrist back.” I nodded.

  She tapped my wrist and then folded her hand into mine. “We look like a couple already,” she said while intertwining our fingers. I couldn’t reply. I moved my other hand to tap the wrist of the hand that was locked with mine. She quickly let go.

  Chapter 6: Lydia

  Even though my specialty was men’s wear, I always thought I’d design my own wedding dress. That just meant I’d design his tux too. With the time frame that we were working with, however, I couldn’t whip something up. I’d just make my dress for whenever I had a real one. After our quick practice session after my hectic bachelorette party, he asked for my measurements and my favorite styles. He said he’d take care of the dress. I thought that was best, my budget for this wasn’t v
ery high, he knew what the right price range for a billionaire’s future wife would be. But when the box arrived at my front door, wrapped with a bright white bow, I couldn’t help but be nervous anyway. I was worried I’d hate it. I knew that was silly, but photos of this wedding were going to be getting out. People were going to think it was my dream dress.

  I undid the bow carefully, knowing I was stalling, but taking my time to untie it anyway. I lifted the lid and began pulling it out. I could already tell it was a blush color, something I had requested when he asked. I pulled it all the way out and held it against my chest. I quickly moved to the floor length mirror we kept in the living room. The top was lacy, and the dress also had lacy long sleeves. The heart neckline and the A-line skirt was classic but beautiful with the lace accents. I loved it. At least I wouldn’t be worried about fellow designers judging my choice. I rushed to try it on. It fit perfectly over my curves. I gasped remembering what Virgo got me as my bachelorette present. I found it on the kitchen counter. It was a hair clip made with a pressed cornflower. The bright blue petals stood out from my dark kinky curly hair. It made everything feel more cohesive, more real. I was borrowing my shoes from Virgo as well. The dress was new. As for something old...I told my Aunt about the engagement.

  She didn’t say much to me about it. Just asked if I was happy. I didn’t want to lie to her, but it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I was happy. Happy to finally get an investor for Sew Fit. She couldn’t make it, of course she couldn’t, she worked in London and couldn’t drop everything for a surprise wedding. I still received a package from her in the mail. It was a veil, yellowed slightly with age. The short note from my aunt said it was both hers and my mother’s.

  I pulled the veil over my hair and looked at my finished outfit in the mirror. I felt slight tears well up in my eyes. I quickly rubbed them away. It was silly to cry; this wasn’t my real wedding. It was just something about being in a wedding dress for the first time that made me emotional. I wanted to get married someday, but with how busy I was with Sew Fit, I didn’t think it was going to be any time soon.